to hold in our hands

Small One nestles in my arms these Christmas evenings as we spend the last hours of his day cuddled on the couch, surrounded by glowing lights and listening to Christmas music. It’s my attempt to get some touch time with my now scrambling-everywhere little son. I’m not sure at what point my cuddly baby become an active boy. It happened in the past seven months, and a part of my mom heart is already breaking and it breaks a little bit more when I think about the long future we hopefully will have together as he grows from baby to boy to man.

Last Advent I was full of meditations about the coming of Jesus, and this one I have been full of Small One with a few small moments to catch my breath and think. It’s a different time, a different season. There has been too much inside to share in the past six months. I have been enjoying my little one and the sweetness of this stage of our life together.

Don’t get the wrong idea. He’s not cuddling close to me on these winter evenings watching me with glowing eyes. He sits in my lap with a few toys, ferociously going at them with his hands and mouth, his big eyes watching, watching, watching, studying everything and trying to figure out how this toy is working, and eventually when he is bored, he starts hitting it and squirming around. He throws himself against the couch, tries to pull up on the too-soft cushions, cries with frustration until I help him to his feet. Every now and then, he does turn around and look at me with a small smile on his face.

Me? I’m listening to Christmas music and crying into the back of Small One’s head, songs about the baby Jesus as I wonder how he could have been a baby, and did his mother cry as her baby became a boy who became a man?

Fragile fingers sent to heal us… tender brow prepared for thorns… tiny heart whose blood will save us… unto us is born.

Unto us a son was born. Unto us a child was given. People say that babies change everything, that you will never love someone like you love your own child and that you will never sleep again. I can hardly say that the transition to having a small one for me was the life-altering moment that people make it out to be. In many ways it has been the easiest of all the life transitions I have endured (and I do like to think of myself and my family as perennial life-transitioners). There are no answers for this only that somehow this small one was perfect for me, perfect for this time, perfect for my arms and my heart. He has been perfect to hold inside of me.

This is the small bridge for me to Jesus in this season of busyness of heart and spirit, in this time when the time isn’t always there to open my Bible or to breathe, but he is here in the work, he is here in the cooking, he is here in the playing and in the night waking. He is here, and as my heart grows to hold my Small One, Jesus is holding me, His small one.

And so for you, this Christmas season, here’s a little winter warmer that kept Husband and I cozy during one of our Christmas Cheer evenings. It’s apple cider with a warm twist.

• Christmas Cheer   apple juice (I used the unfiltered kind and think it’s better), cinnamon sticks, a few cloves, a few cardamoms, ginger powder (grated ginger would probably be better), a dash of maple syrup for sweetness and whiskey for warmth. For a liter of apple juice, I used two cinnamon sticks, five cloves and four or five cardamoms. I would grate a one centimeter piece of ginger into it in the future. The maple syrup is up to you based on how sweet you want it to be, and the quantity of whiskey is also up to you depending on how…warm… you want it to be.

christmas food

It is probably a bad sign that my first blog entry for 2011 is two weeks into the new year and about last year. Oh well. Christmas anticipation was not usually a part of my life, and 2010 will always be special for me in that it was the first year that I meditated on Jesus’ birth, planned for Christmas and found ways to make it special for myself and Husband.

Our plan was always to have a special Christmas Day of our own even though for 2010 and 2011 at least we spent and will spend the 25th with our respective families. We wanted to start our own traditions now, so that our children will always have our family traditions to embrace and enjoy, not just the ones that their grandparents started.

It’s a short story in some ways – December 19 was one of the most special days of the year for me and easily one of my favourite ones of our married life. It was quiet, peaceful, tasty, fun, sacred and surprising. We began the day with a Christmas brunch of breakfast casserole (an ode to America) and pear and almond meal tarts.

Everything for the day was easy to prepare, and I think the sorts of food that our children could help us prepare as well. Husband took care of our afternoon spread of appetizers – our homage to Europe.

We finished off the night with a roast dinner (photo at the very top). This was the meal I put the most amount of thought into. I picked lamb because we want to connect Christmas and Easter for our kids from the very beginning. We want them to understand that these aren’t two separate occasions, one that has lots of fun things, the other just a weekend. The idea – for now, who really knows in the long run – is to have a roasted leg of lamb twice a year, on Christmas Day and on Easter.

With the lamb, which was amazing, we had mashed potatoes, roast sweet potatoes and roasted green beans.

• Roast Leg of Lamb I did most of what was suggested in the comments section of this recipe – added balsamic vinegar to the marinade, roasted it at slightly lower temperatures, and if I had a rack on which to put the meat in the pan, I would have done that as well. I took the drippings and used it as a gravy.
• Roasted Green Beans I followed the recipe pretty much to a T. Confections of a Foodie Bride is one of my all-time favourite food blogs.
• Mashed potatoes I wish I had followed a recipe because I wasn’t thrilled by how these turned out, a bit too gluey in texture (I added butter, cream and salt), and it’s possible that I didn’t pay enough attention to what kind of potatoes they were as well.
• Roasted Sweet Potatoes chop, coat in olive oil and salt and sprinkle chopped rosemary over the top. Bake until cooked at a medium high temperature.
• Pear and Almond Meal Tarts my mother made these for Christmas brunch a few years ago, and it was out of a cook book by this New Zealand woman, and I can’t find it now. This recipe is kind of from memory and also a bit from this recipe online.  Preheat oven to a medium heat, roll out some puff pastry and cut into circles (I used an upside down saucer). Mix almond meal with apple juice – I apologize for the lack of specific quantities, I just estimated based on the puff pastry that I had. You want the mixture to be firm but also a bit damp. Spread on the puff pastry leaving a centimeter or a bit more of edge all the way around. Slice the pears finely and arrange in a fan on top of the almond meal. Melt honey on the stove and brush on the pears. Put in the oven to bake. It’s done when the puff pastry is cooked and the pears are golden. Melt a bit of apricot jam on the stove and brush on the pears to finish.

a week late: joy

Joy comes in the mourning
In the release of pain we hold
Its bold flicker yearning
For the promises of old

a complete lentil: food inspired by advent

Peace makes me think of relaxation, calm, a wide open space and harmony. When I want to be “at peace,” typically that means an escape involving travel, alone time or a quiet nook in a cafe.

Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid, promises the Prince of Peace.  I do not give as the world gives. I am always searching for my completion, my peace, in what someone else offers – a soothing candle, exercise and diet, relationships, social media and entertainment.

My peace I give to you. If peace is something that he gives, if he is peace, then peace is wholeness and completion, something that only comes with the presence of the Prince of Peace in our lives. Peace is not the escape from our circumstances, but it is the embrace of someone, him.

He gives himself as our peace, and he asks me to surrender to his peace.

This week’s advent meal happened by accident, and turned out to be a dual effort by Husband and I. Lentils have been on my mind more and more as a good source of protein instead of relying constantly on red meat, and I love lentils in almost anything. There is something complete, hearty and nourishing about this humble…I don’t know what it is. Vegetable? Grain? Pulse? Last weekend I tried making Sri Lankan dahl for the first time in my life. It turned out well, so well that I wanted to eat it again on Monday as my advent food.

I made a big pot of it, and when I returned after eight in the evening, Husband already had a portion of it. But he re-invented it per German standards. It turns out that his grandmother used to make a lentil dish almost exactly like this particular pot of what I thought was Sri Lankan dahl, only the German version has sausage and – promise – red wine vinegar. Very strange to think of vinegar in dahl, yes? It soothed my taste buds and satisfied my hunger.

• Gerlankan Dahl sautee in oil chopped onion, crushed garlic and finely chopped ginger. Add a few cinnamon sticks, some cumin powder and a bit of garam masala and keep sauteeing. After a minute or two add red lentils. Fry for another minute or so then add water. It is hard for me to know how much water to add – I started with double the amount, but  as it soaked up the liquid, I added more. After the lentils are cooked and it’s a good consistency, chop some sausage into it (the better quality the sausage, the better it will be; we had the cheapest kind of smoked sausage available and it was still good). Add red wine vinegar at the end – go easy, add bit by by and taste as you go.

peace he gives

Jesus said, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

from the book of John, chapter 14